i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
