i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
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Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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