I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
