My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
