A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
