My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
