as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
