Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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