Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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