Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
