Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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