I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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