I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
