no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
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just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
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Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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