Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
