i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It's shark week go big or go home
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
