I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
