u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
This baby is an asshole
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
