So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
