Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
