I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
