at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
