I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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