Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
