i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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