you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
