oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
