WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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