Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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