I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
