Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
