Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
The ass gains better be worth it
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