some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
