How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
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The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
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Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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