my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
