Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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