I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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