Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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