come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
