a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
