capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
