I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
