She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
