The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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