It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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