I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
