a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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