Well douche your snatch and let's go!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I didn't notice because vodka
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
