oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
