I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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