so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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