I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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