dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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