He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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