Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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