Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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